


En Medias

by nellcromancer



Series: The Ballad of June Egbert [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Transfem John Egbert, fluff but with emotions, gender feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:15:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23634436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nellcromancer/pseuds/nellcromancer
Summary: A Fic Written forThe June Zine
Relationships: John Egbert & Rose Lalonde
Series: The Ballad of June Egbert [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1405996
Comments: 3
Kudos: 51
Collections: June Egbert Jam





	En Medias

June Egbert sits on a bench in the park. It's a balmy summer day, and the noonday breeze plays idly around the Goddess of Breath, blowing gentle waves across the too-green grass nearby. It's a nearly cloudless day, which feels almost like a joke to June. Inside she feels like a storm is raging in her chest, a hurricane ripping through her soul. She tries to quell the storm inside her with a few deep breaths. In and out. In and out. In and out. She tries to ignore the source of her anxiety— the knee length skirt, the makeup— the whole fact that she is, for the first time, presenting as a woman in public. She is entirely too aware that her mascara is too heavy, her eyeliner uneven, and she can't help but worry that she looks stupid. Even with an outfit handpicked by Kanaya, even with Roxy’s “makeup pro strats”, even with all of the reassurance from Jade, she just can't help herself. 

Her attempts at distracting herself from the discomfiting realization that she is a physical being taking up physical space in this world is working better than she had hoped, her focus mostly captivated by other people milling about the park. She watches silently at the young humans and trolls playing on the swingset at the far end of the park, flinging themselves from the monkey bars with the reckless optimism that only youth can afford and crashing to the ground, tumbling head over heels into the mulched ground. They leap back up, laughing a whooping, barely aware of the scrapes and stains that coat their hands and knees as they race off again to repeat the whole process. 

Several adults—parents presumably—monitor the hollering children, barely paying attention as they gossip back and forth about nothing in particular. The handsome carapacian one of their hairdressers is dating, a mutual friend’s infidelity, tittering over a common crush, the briefest mention of politics. It’s not that June wants to eavesdrop on them, the breeze is just eager, carrying their voices over to June, in hopes that it might please her. She’s just glad that they, at least, haven't noticed her yet. Others, of course had. They were trying not to stare, or at least not to be too obvious about it, but its not every day one of the gods of the new world just decided to hang around at your local park—and its especially noteworthy when one of those gods appears to be crossdressing. June grimaces at the thought. She’s not... crossdressing. She’s an actual girl, dammit.

ROSE: You look stressed out.

Tangible relief floods through the adrenaline shocked veins of the goddess of breath as she tilts her head up toward the familiar voice. Rose Lalonde drifts down from the sky to land in front of her, a bemused smirk belying the gentle concern that shone in her eyes plays across her face. She touches down in front of June, her golden orange skirt fluttering in the breeze.

JUNE: you came!  
ROSE: Would there be a reason for me not to?  
JUNE: no i just...  
JUNE: i know i don’t pass uh,  
JUNE: at all...  
ROSE: And you thought that would be enough for me to not want to spend time with you?  
JUNE: i...  
ROSE: June, there's basically nothing you could do, say, or wear that would keep me from spending time with you.  
JUNE: thanks, rose.  
ROSE: You’re very welcome.

She smiles warmly, her eyes scanning up and down June’s body.

ROSE: You look miserable though. Do you want to get going? Maybe find somewhere with less people?  
JUNE: god, yes.  
JUNE: get me out of here, this was a mistake.

June all but leaps to her feet, and hastens in the direction of the nearest exit. Rose stifles a laugh, and follows June as she half-walks-half-runs towards the exit of the park.

JUNE: honestly i should’ve taken you up on your offer to meet up at my place.  
JUNE: i thought getting to the park on my own would be like...  
JUNE: proving to myself that i’m doing this, you know?  
JUNE: and i guess i was hoping that with a bunch of other people being there would somehow make me less notable?  
ROSE: It's okay! I genuinely think you're very brave for doing that all on your own.  
ROSE: A little stubborn, but still brave.  
JUNE: hah. yeah.   
JUNE: uh, do you know where we're going? i didn't really plan this through.  
ROSE: There’s a lunch spot I quite enjoy that's not too far from here.  
JUNE: lunch spot?  
ROSE: I can’t very well call it a thai restaurant because Thailand doesn't exist anymore.  
ROSE: Even if that is more or less what southern Human Kingdom food tastes like.  
JUNE: oh huh. i never really thought about that.  
JUNE: pizza is still called pizza here so that was really all i needed.  
ROSE: You're aversion to culinary diversity baffles me.  
JUNE: rose, pizza is the perfect food.  
ROSE: Mhm.  
JUNE: it can be literally anything.  
JUNE: want it to be spicy? pizza can do that!  
JUNE: how about sweet? pizza can do that too?  
ROSE: Sweet pizza?  
JUNE: yeah, like a dessert pizza!  
ROSE: That sounds just atrocious.  
JUNE: aw, where’s your appreciation for culinary diversity?  
ROSE: Far, far away from the unholy matrimony of savory italian food and confectionery delights.  
JUNE: i’ll have to make one for you sometime.  
ROSE: June, you’re my dear friend and I care about you deeply, but I resolutely and adamantly refuse to ever eat any of your cooking.  
JUNE: :/

It was easier with Rose around, being in public. She’d barely noticed the crowds of people around her as they walked down the city street. She took a moment to take in her surroundings. The crowd around them moved out of their way as they walked, giving the two gods a wide berth. With Rose there, she could pretend that the crowd wasn't staring at her, at her outfit, at her makeup. 

She could feel the panic start to well up in her chest again. Looking at all the people around, gawking as she passes by...

Rose elbows June gently in the ribs, breaking her from her panic.

ROSE: Hey, are you alright?

It’s rare for Rose Lalonde to betray true sincerity, but the tone in her voice is a dead give away. She looks up at June, her brow furrowed in concern, the corner of her lips tugging downward, even as she offers up the ghost of a reassuring smile. 

June tries to relax, to tell her friend that she’s fine. But she can't find the words. She turns her face downwards as she walks, trying to coax her voice back into cooperating. It doesn’t, so she just shakes her head slightly. Rose nods softly in acknowledgment before suddenly floating upward. She hangs in the air a foot above June’s head, and the crowd around them gasps in awe, seeming to take a step back, as if to better take in the miracle before them. A few phones come out; snapping pictures of the hovering goddess, and for a moment, it feels, to June, that she's been forgotten.

ROSE: Come on, let’s go.  
JUNE: where?  
ROSE: Somewhere with the verticality to dissuade obnoxious onlookers, from sticking their noses into the business of the divine.

June follows behind Rose, almost reluctantly, as she soars up, up into the clouds.

***

The two find themselves sitting on the roof of the tallest skyscraper in the city. The wind around them rustles, and below them cars and pedestrians swarm their way down the busy streets below, looking so much like ants swarming around a dropped cracker.  
June takes a deep breath, staring down at the busy street below, trying to calm her raging thoughts.

ROSE: It's a beautiful day today.  
JUNE: hah. yeah. i guess it is. i haven’t really been able to focus on it though.  
ROSE: A shame. If you bothered to leave that head of yours for a moment you’d see some truly beautiful clouds. Including the odd one or two that don’t happen to look like a cake or pipe.  
JUNE: yeah. sorry rose, i didn’t mean to ruin your day out.  
ROSE: June, please look at me.

June tilts her head to the side, glancing at Rose out of the corner of her new glasses. Rose gives her a soft smile.

ROSE: You aren't ruining anything.

June just sighs.

JUNE: yeah i...  
JUNE: i feel like i am.  
ROSE: Do you want to talk about it?  
JUNE: i.  
JUNE: you're not going to judge me or anything?  
ROSE: I swear I will employ no tricks, no freudian psychoanalysis, and certainly no half-baked wikipedia philosophy, from now until the end of the day.

Rose places a hand over her heart as she announces her guarantee, with a mocking gravity to her voice. June cracks a hint of a smile in return.

JUNE: alright.  
JUNE: i guess...  
JUNE: i guess it's a bunch of little things.  
JUNE: or maybe it's a bunch of really really big things?  
JUNE: i mean.  
JUNE: everybody staring at me is really, really uncomfortable!  
JUNE: it makes me even more aware of how much i don't fit in.  
JUNE: it makes me feel like i’m making a mistake.  
JUNE: maybe i shouldn't be transitioning.  
JUNE: maybe it’s just easier for everyone if i just...   
JUNE: stay a guy?  
ROSE: Would that make you happy though?  
JUNE: uh...  
JUNE: probably not?  
JUNE: i just hate looking like this.  
JUNE: i’m all... boxy.  
JUNE: i just look wrong.  
ROSE: I think you look wonderful, June.  
JUNE: i...  
JUNE: you could just be saying that.  
ROSE: June, I don't know how to tell you that I’m being entirely truthful when I say that I think you look lovely today.  
ROSE: You’re outfit is extremely cute, and the longer hair looks really wonderful on you too.  
ROSE: You seem to me to be a lot happier now than you were before you decided to transition.  
JUNE: i... i guess?  
JUNE: i mean, i like the idea of being a girl a lot!  
JUNE: but i’m not...  
JUNE: i’m not a real girl.  
ROSE: That’s bullshit.  
ROSE: June Egbert I think that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.  
ROSE: You're a real girl. You just proved it with the last thing you told me.  
JUNE: ...that i’m not a real girl?  
ROSE: That you like the idea of being a girl, smartass.  
ROSE: There are no barriers to womanhood.  
ROSE: Wanting to be one is all the requirement necessary.  
ROSE: Trust me on this.  
JUNE: are you sure?  
JUNE: i mean? what if i’m wrong?  
ROSE: Then you can go back to being a man.   
JUNE: oh. i uh.  
JUNE: i hate that concept.  
ROSE: Then you’re probably not wrong.  
ROSE: Honestly June, I’m not trans. I don't have all the answers to your questions, and I can only guess at how you're really feeling.  
ROSE: I see you as a woman, and as someone who’s finally, finally taking her life into her own hands after seeming content to just let her life slip by, and it’s genuinely wonderful to watch.  
ROSE: I want to encourage that. I like this girl I’m getting to know.  
ROSE: I’d like to see a lot more of her.

June blushes deeply. The anxiety and fear and doubt in her chest wasn't gone, no—it would probably take a long time for those to abate—but something else overwhelms those feelings. She has a difficult time putting a name to them. Hope? Joy? Trust? Something like that. Whatever the name of it, it warms her chest and brings a wide smile to her lips. She looks up to the sky, the scattered clouds above the two goddesses parting, as if on suggestion, to reveal a vast, blue sky above them. Something inside her tightens, a single tear trails down her cheek.

JUNE: thanks, rose.

Her voice is strained, and she’s desperately holding back tears. Ever since she started taking estrogen, about two months ago, she’s noticed herself reacting more.... enthusiastically to pretty much any strong emotion. She hates to admit it but it’s a lot like going through puberty, again.

ROSE: Are you alright?  
JUNE: oh yeah. i’m just...  
JUNE: hormonal.

Rose tries to hold back a laugh, and fails miserably, a loud nasally snort issues from pursed lips. June, mocks indignance, between soft sniffles

JUNE: don’t laugh it's true!  
JUNE: its these stupid hormones i’m on!   
JUNE: i feel like i’m 14 again.  
ROSE: That sounds... complicated.  
JUNE: i mean. it’s a lot better this time?  
JUNE: it feels... better i think.  
ROSE: That’s wonderful to hear.  
JUNE: yeah! i mean, i know i really only just started,  
JUNE: and maybe this is just wishful thinking...  
JUNE: but when i look in the mirror, sometimes...  
JUNE: sometimes it doesn't hurt?  
JUNE: sometimes i can see glimpses of the girl i want to be hiding underneath everything else.  
ROSE: I’m really glad to hear that June.  
ROSE: For what it’s worth I think I see it.  
ROSE: The changes, I mean.  
ROSE: They're subtle right now but, just give it some time.  
ROSE: You're going to be amazing.

June just laughs. The sky around them is bright blue, and here, high above everyone else, her worries seem to have evaporated. Rose’s presence is safe and calming. She radiates an assurance and confidence that June wishes she could have someday. Maybe she will. She has her whole life ahead of her after all. Things are going to work out alright. That small glimmering bead of hope—no, of truth—glistens in her mind like crystalline courage. It's not that there aren't going to be hard times ahead of her. It’s not that she’s never going to feel dysphoric again. It’s not that she's never going to suddenly have a panic attack about making some irreversible mistake. No, she knows all of those things are still going to happen, likely for a long time still. But she’s certain now, more than ever, that she's going to make it in spite of all that. 

She breathes in deeply, feeling the warm summer air dance inside her lungs as she holds it there, before finally releasing it. She repeats the action a few more times, each time the crushing weight of anxiety lessens its grip on her head a little more.

She turns and smiles at Rose.

JUNE: yeah.  
JUNE: i think so too.

Her stomach grumbles.

JUNE: now, uh.  
JUNE: how about lunch?


End file.
